hello, sweetie

so I don’t often use this thing but

I need a place to rant.

Like everyone, I have my share of psychological problems. Specifically, I suffer with depression and anxiety. Like everyone. At least, that’s what I’ve been diagnosed with so far. I know I can have low self esteem sometimes, and I also have a bad habit of beating myself up, sometimes physically. Meaning, when I’ve had really bad mental breaks in the past, I’ve hit myself, clawed at myself, banged myself on walls or doors. Otherwise, I attack myself mentally or emotionally. “You aren’t good enough.” “You’re stupid.” “God damn, Ashley, why can’t you accomplish this simple thing?” etc. Practicing self-compassion is hard.

I worry sometimes that I’m a bother to people. Needy. Clingy. I crave support and when I’m upset or on a downward spiral, I search for it. I feel badly when I’m constantly asking people for this or that or repeatedly texting about a problem I’m having. I eventually just feel so badly about it that I won’t talk to anyone anymore. I just curl up away from everything and everyone else. Or at least I want to.

Something sitting in my chest, words I couldn’t say, things I cannot feel, tasks I cannot complete.

I should have let it go when I had the chance. Maybe I need to carry a rock.

Sometimes I still think some people’s lives would be better off if I was gone.

But then I think of the people I know I couldn’t live without and I hope to god things will be okay.